Sometimes I think…..

I have stupid or gullible stamped across my forehead. How is it that a guy who says he wants to see me, that he likes me and so on say he’ll call and then doesn’t. Or we try to make plans and it never works. I get that he lives an hour away but if you like someone isn’t the point to spend more time with them and not little bits of time. I mean maybe I’m confused or just not getting it or I’m missing something. Or could it be he’s really just not that into me after all.

Does it ever get better??

I thought that I’d finished complaining about my professional life but it looks like I have not. Here’s the story:

Over the weekend, my uncle passed away unexpectedly. It came as a shock and no information about the funeral was given until Sunday afternoon. Well, I texted my co-worker to let her know so that she could cover for me. And I waited. And waited. And waited. I called and left a message and again I waited. And waited. It began nearing 5:00 p.m. and I called my boss and I called for two reasons: to let her know and so that she knew I would not be there Monday. That was all. She had taken off Monday-Wednesday (mental health days). I felt horrible calling her but since she is the one who signs my paycheck I figured she should be in the know. Well, she remarked to me that “This is so not what I want to be dealing with on a Sunday.” I thought: “Gee, sorry my uncle passing was such an inconvenience.”

To make it short, much like she was with me, I did not go to the funeral because my co-worker could not cover for me as she had plans. So I did not get to pay my respects. Well, fast forward to Tuesday and my boss actually reamed me out for bothering her on her days off. And that I should have taken care of it myself since that was my job. To get a dressing down for bothering her on a Sunday to take off a day for fun, I can understand. A dressing down because of a family emergency and because it was the right thing to do…so wrong.

I know it’s not her uncle and that she doesn’t care. She shouldn’t have to but she should understand that I go above and beyond for her on more than one occassion. I’ve taken care of her child at work, her dog at work, I’ve answered my cell on my vacation and days off to answer her questions about her ipod and computer. And I couldn’t even get one measly day off to attend the funeral of my uncle.

I am hurt…I am shocked…I never realized that someone could be so cruel to another person. I know it’s completely unprofessional to blog about it but it is my blog and its where my thoughts go. I literally don’t know what to do. Ok I do know what to do….I’ve begun jobhunting. I have lost all respect for her as a person. Because comments like those that she made are uncalled for. Like I said I understand if I called her on Sunday night and said “I don’t want to work tomorrow can I have it off?” Then fine, I’d expect a dressing down…I’d even expect to be fired. But for something that meant something to me. That I needed the time off and I get yelled at. Not cool. At all.

So….after 4 years of working here I’ve begun searching. I always was but this gave me the push I needed. I know that I have to take the good with the bad. But…I know that people in the world are not as heartless as this. So again, I’ve begun looking. And can I say how hard it is. I completely forgot about that part. But I know I’ll find something. And I’m giving myself the next couple of months. Because I will also be saving, saving and saving because maybe I can do it better if I am not working at all. I just hate to leave one job without another. It’s just the only way I can think of taking some personal time and knowing that my boss won’t call to ask me nonsense questions about how to load music onto her ipod, or how to save Joe Smith’s number (who is by the way not a real person).

I feel so much better now that I’ve vented. And the more I write about it the more I realize that I should have left a long time ago.

So Confused…

I think I’m ruining my friendship or my frelationship. It’s not really defined. I’ve known him since we were kids and connected a couple years ago. Actually he found me through myspace. We’ve hung out a couple times. But lately for the past month I’d say we’ve been making plans to hang out. They always fall through because of his schedule or my schedule. It’s mostly been mine and I feel terrible. The few times we have gone out he’s paid so I’m not sure if those were dates or just a guy being a decent guy.

There’s the flirting and what not but I think what really made me think twice was a couple weeks ago when I didn’t meet him with his friends to go out for his birthday. I wasn’t feeling well and I was tired. Lousy excuses but still they were true. I am interested him (I’m definitely not denying that) but I’d hate to lose a friend. I see some signs (or at least I think I do) pointing towards possible attraction in my direction as well but I’m a poor reader of that half the time.

I get called cutie pie almost all the time as a way of greeting. That’s not enough and trust me I know that. But what really made think about it was yesterday when I texted him to tell him about my car accident. He texted back asking if I was ok but what really made think was when he called minutes after the text to talk to me and make sure I was doing ok. If that doesn’t say “Yes I’m into you” then I really don’t know what does.

To top it all off, he’s upset with me for bailing and I can’t say I blame him. It has been more me to bail than him. Partly because of my schedule and partly because I don’t know why it just happens. What am I supposed to think? And what should I even do? I know that I have tentative plans to meet him and hang out Sunday. Here’s hoping it works out and maybe I can get some insight into this so I’m not so confused like I am now.

“He’s just not that into me”

I feel like a complete idiot.  D and I made plans to meet up tonight for a movie. Well, in the past when we make these plans he always calls or texts. Well today it was quite the opposite…I texted him. Bad move on my part I guess but he said he would call when he was done with whatever he was doing. I said ok and did my own thing for the day. 

Well, by 8:00 pm I realized that are our movie night was not happening. He said he got stuck where he was at and that he was sorry. Of course I can’t stay mad when there’s an apology. Or can I. I mean after all in the past I’ve had to cancel on occasion and he’s always made fun of it and pointed it out. So why this time around did he sell out. It was he who made the plans. And I was actually really excited. I mean for the past couple of days we’ve been texting back and forth and chatting it up on facebook and there was some flirtation in these conversations. Unless I imagined it but I’d like to think I’m not that dense and I can always figure out when a guy is flirting.

I just don’t get how I could be so freaking stupid. It’s things like this that just make me want to completely give up on the entire male population.

My Boy….

D1 and I have been enjoying a little flirtation these past couple of days. I’m not sure what it is. I can say I’ll take it as it comes. I mean we are going out Saturday but can this be considered a date or just two friends hanging out. Who knows? We’ll see how that works out.

Loss….

This post was originally written at Christmastime.

December is supposed to be a fun month, a month where we celebrate Christmas and the birth of Christ. But for me this month has been hard. First, a friend of mine who I’ve lost touch with lost his father during an outpatient surgery. It was sad but didn’t really affect me. But the death of anyone is hard so I feel his pain. The worst news came yesterday….a friend of the family was killed in a car accident. She was only 20 and she was wearing her seat belt. Doing everything that the law asks of you. The other driver: was not wearing his seatbelt and survived. My friend and the passenger in the car with her was killed. It is heartbreaking but what makes this so much worse is that 15 years ago her older brother was killed in a car accident as well. I have cried for her and for her family since I heard. And I wonder: Why? Why did it have to happen and why to this family. Losing a child is hard but to lose two the exact same way is just mean. I believe that your time is already set but did it have to be the same way for siblings so many years apart. My sister told me yesterday that when a person dies it is because they have lived their life. That helps but not enough.

And yet I am in January and I have another friend who has experienced the loss of a loved one. Her father. My thoughts and prayers are with her. In the span of one month I have come across death three times and it’s just to much. 

Makes me appreciate life more and has let me know to live each day like its your last. Time is to short to waste on the trivial things. And so to each person that has left this earth I will live each day like there will be no tomorrow. RIP.

My Boys….

I’ve been MIA for a while and that was due to school and work but now with winter break in full swing I can focus on my little blog.  So, I’ve begun to notice that lately I’ve acquired a nice little collection of guys. They range from friends to possibles.

First up is E with who I share a harmless flirtation. E is a nice guy with a girlfriend so the flirts are always tame and never get out of hand. But it’s cool.

Then there’s B, someone I went to school with years ago and lost touch but with the invention of social networking sites like facebook and myspace have reconnected with. But with him there is a slight attraction. The downside is he lives out of state.

Next up is M. M is an ex. And in my opinion we have unfinished business. There is still an attraction on my side towards him. Not sure about him. We talk occassionally. But this weekend we were supposed to hang out and he kind of ok scratch that he blew me off for something else. He did apologize though so I forgive him and will give him another chance. Note to self: This is probably why he’s an ex and not a current flame.

Moving on is D1. D1 is someone else I also knew from back in the day and with the help of myspace we got back in touch. Thing is with him…he found me. Not the other way around. For the past couple of years we have hung out occassionally. My sisters seem to think these are dates because he pays. They are probably right. And I do find him cute. But these past few months we have not been able to hang out because of our crazy schedules. This Saturday we might. I’ll let you know.

Last is D2. D2 is also a sort of ex. There is still definitely an attraction between us but I am turned off by the fact that he is 27 going on 28 and he works as a cart pusher. So that makes it a no in my book.

And out of that entire group I am still single. Of course I just have to wait it out. I’ve got a new mantra: Let things happen. I’m done second guessing myself and closing myself off to possiblities because of rejection or heartbreak.

Weekly whine…

I know I said in my previous post I wasn’t going there but I just had to.  If someone had said to me a year ago that I would hate my job in the coming months I seriously would have laughed in their face.  But I do. I loathe, detest, and abhor going into work. I am constantly being made to feel guilty for leaving at 5:00. I shouldn’t because that is of course the time I leave for the day but I do. Then I feel guilty for leaving work to go to school. I shouldn’t because it’s what I want and will help me further along in life.  But I do. There are times when I want to yell “This was always temporary!” But I don’t. And it was, temporary that is. Up until May 2007 my job was it. There was no going elsewhere but I wanted more out of life than being a legal asisstant or paralegal if you want to get pc. But I did want more. So I tried out law school. I left work for 6 weeks and tried it. It did not work out but my boss wanted me back so I went. Only part-time though because of school. Well I put school on hold and worked full time up until this past August. How do I gently break it to her that yes eventually I will be leaving for greener pastures. That this has only become a rest area to the next phase of my life. What makes it more difficult is that for my boss this has been a tough year for her. She unexpectedly lost her father on what is the most romantic day of the year, and lots of other issues. So I understand on some level that she is still going through a grieving process. And that guilts me into staying. 

I understand that this is my life and I should live it how I see fit without guilt from anyone else. I’m sure I’ll figure it out soon. At least I’m hoping it is soon. Because this stress is taking it’s toll on me. If I don’t have an ulcer yet I will soon.

Finally….

I’m moving away from the weekly whine for something else. I’m not sure if I’ve mentioned it in the past but I have recently gotten back in touch with yet another blast from my not so past.  Moving past that for a second…I gotta say that facebook and myspace are great sites to re-acquaint yourselves with people you lost touch with. Which is how I got back in touch with A.F.B. And we have been talking with some mild flirtation mixed in as well. The upside is he definitely makes me smile and gives just a tad bit of the tingles. Strange since we were never really close but I guess it has more to do with the fact that he is constantly complimenting me (which I love). Anyways, the downside is that he lives a couple thousand miles away. Although I have gotten an invite to his town but I think for now I’ll let it play as a phone/text/online flirtation. 

Not sure if you noticed but I also spent some time today cleaning up my blog and making it more of a blog instead of just one plain blah site to visit. It’s still a work in progress but its getting there.

Weekly Whine….

Work was still a disaster.  She seems to think that I must live, breathe and eat work.  But…I don’t. I. have. a. life. outside. of. work. Seriously, I do and I just don’t know how to say that without sounding like b****.  There are times this past week where I just simply wanted to get up and walk out and not come back except for my last paycheck. But then I think about how well I’m paid and know that with today’s economy I will not be able to find a job like that for a while. Then I think “it would be nice to just be a full time student for once” and reality sets in and I realize that I like to buy pretty things and with no job the pretty things will not come home with me. So I figure I’ll just deal with it until next year when it’s time for me to move toa job that is within my new field. I can do, can’t I?

Next on my list…my haircut.  I’ve been loving my short do and I let it get out of control this time and it seriously grew to practically the same length I had it at back in April before the hair show debacle. Except instead of leaving it alone and fixing it up I wanted it short still. So I went in to my stylist armed with pictures of what it should like this time around. It was supposed to look like it did but with more layers in the back to give it volume and be razored in the front with long layers like Posh Spice. That was the plan except I left with cut that I had my hair all at one length. The volume in the back was right but the sides were not. And the bad thing is that I realized this after she cut one side and the other was still long. After that it wasn’t like I could say no because the damage was done.  Just to show you:

 

Before

After

It will take some getting used to but until then I’ll keep hoping my grows as quick as it had in the past so that I can fix it to what I originally wanted.

Last…I met with my class group on Friday night. It. was. the. longest. four. hours. of. my. life. Seriously, it was.  The kid I yelled is still peeved from the talk I gave him and honestly I could care less. I’m not out to make him my very bestest friend.  But I am beginning to count down the days till the end of the semester and I’ll never have to see him again.  I was just annoyed because everyone else wanted to go and knew I had to go and he purposely kept us there longer than necessary.  Not only that but he who says to me “we all agreed and you will be penalized, i’m sorry that’s the rule” was 45 minutes late and then says we can’t meet next week because I’m going to Orlando for a party. That is, of course, okay but when the rest of us have a life to live it’s not. I don’t care because I do realize that outside of this class you have a life to live but may just maybe you should take that into consideration for others and not be such a hypocrite. And honestly I wanted to say that to him soo bad but knew that it would cause more drama than absolutely necessary so I kept shut. 

And that folks is the end of my weekly whine (rant).